Orgasm Church Wins Climactic Victory – So to Speak

 Swedish Agency Claim of Religious Unrest Highly Suspect

The Madonna of Orgasm Church won the legal right in court to be registered as a faith community in Sweden on Tuesday.  The country’s Legal, Financial and Administrative Services Agency had previously refused the church’s registration on the specious grounds that it might offend Christians, according to a report in the Swedish news outlet, The Local.

Only slightly more than half of Europeans will ever see this kind of gorgeous artwork during an actual church service. Photo courtesy of Amanda Vivian

The agency must now either process the application or appeal the court’s decision within three weeks. The problem with the agency’s legal argument is that fewer than 10 percent of Swedes attend church on a regular basis.

The church’s founder, Carlos Bebeacua from Lovestad (absolutely serious), came upon the idea for the church after creating a painting he dubbed “The Madonna of Orgasm.”  He anointed himself cardinal and sought out priestesses to preach the church’s only scriptures, the Catechism of the Orgasm.  The gospel within the scriptures is known as the gospel of sex.

The ceremonies consist of priestesses reading verses as they eat fruit and drink juice.  The services don’t forbid sex, but it has never happened, according to Bebeacua.

“The orgasm is God, the orgasm should be worshiped,” Bebeacua said to the Kvallsposten newspaper. “The orgasm is the ultimate feeling of lust, it shouldn’t be limited to ejaculation.  You can reach it through art or by looking at a landscape and thinking, ‘Wow!’”

Writer to the World^TM  had neither the time nor the inclination to call Bebeacua in Sweden to inquire why ejaculation was singularly defined as orgasm nor about its connection to landscapes.  Lust being one of the seven deadly sins was just too obvious in any case and served as the main catalyst for disinterest.  That’s not to imply the church should be denied recognition however.

The grounds for the government agency’s refusal to recognize the church may be far weaker than the theological basis for the gospel of sex.  Sweden is 87 percent Lutheran according the CIA World Fact Book, with the remaining 13 percent being comprised of Roman Catholic, Orthodox, Baptist, Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist and now apparently Orgasmic.  But religion is hardly a top priority for Swedes.

A 2005 study conducted by the Swedish-based World Values Survey indicated that 46 percent of Swedes “never” or “practically never” attend church.  Nationally, only 11 percent of women and 7 percent of men attend church on a regular basis according to the Swedish government.  It’s reasonable question how many would be offended by the agency’s recognition of the unusual church.  The above statistics make the argument for civil peace a difficult one to make.

Most of Western Europe has witnessed an enormous migration away from churches.  The mean average among all Western European nations for people who never or rarely attend church is 36 percent with the highest non-church-goers being the French and British at 60 percent and 55 percent respectively. 

When Bebeacua says, “It’s just that we have our doubts about established religions,” he may in fact be reflecting a trend in the majority of European countries, regardless how unique the method of expression may be. 

Added Note:

If there’s a Pulitzer prize for resisting every single opportunity to make a comical reference in a story, I hereby self-nominate.